Pan and Slam

By Jason F. Koenigsberg

Luckily I did not see some of the movies that were considered the worst of 2023, in fact I even liked some that were reviled by critics and audiences (The Exorcist: Believer is not as bad as everyone says), but I sure did see some big stinkers that I never want to revisit again and would advise anyone seeking them out to avoid like the plague.

Worst Movies of 2023:

1. Cocaine Bear

This is the movie that aggravated me the most out of everything I saw in 2023. Not necessarily a bad movie because of how it was shot, acted, or directed. No, what made Cocaine Bear the most irritating movie of 2023 was how it thought it was dark, funny, and edgy when it was one of the most carefully choreographed feeling movies of the year. This movie is the textbook definition of when a movie tries too hard. It was painful to watch how it tried so hard to be funny and it never was. In doing so, the movie was never scary when it could have been because it was trying too hard to be clever and subversive and wink at the audience on cue. The result was a mess and one of the most predictable movies in years. The audience knows exactly who will live and who will die practically from the moment they first appear on screen. Cocaine Bear made me want to go back and re-watch low-brow R-rated creature features like Lake Placid and Deep Blue Sea both from the summer of 1999, an epic year for movies. But Cocaine Bear gave me a whole new appreciation for those big budget B-movies that were stupid but a lot more fun, genuinely funny, and less by the numbers predictable. This was the most contrived movie of the year.

2. 65

Was this movies actual title 65 or 65 Million? I am not sure but that indication of bad marketing and a generic title reflects on how pathetic this Adam Driver vs. dinosaurs movie actually was. Generic is probably the best adjective to describe everything about this movie. There is very little action and the action that is on screen has zero suspense. Something tells me there were problems during production or at the very least post production which could help explain why the special effects were so subpar. Instead of seeing a story with some mythology about human origins on this planet we are just left to shrug our shoulders at the end asking what was the point of what we just witnessed.

3. The Flash

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of children walking around a room dressed up like superheroes and banging pots and pans. Several times while watching The Flash I thought of Steve Carell’s character Brick Tamland from Anchorman shouting “loud noises!” because that was all I felt I was watching this overly long and excruciating movie. This did not even feel like a real movie, instead it felt like a lame excuse to parade around famous people in cameos, force nostalgia pandering to people with fond movie memories of the 80’s and 90’s, and throw around the overused multi-verse concept which is an extremely tiring trope. In between those cameos and nostalgic references there was nothing but loud, bombastic sounds and images. For those ardent comic book movie lovers this will be a tough one to defend. For those that hate comic book movies, The Flash has everything that is bad about the genre crammed into one barely watchable experience I would rather forget.

4. Knock at the Cabin

Not a terrible movie, and not even one of the worst from writer/director M. Night Shyamalan. Knock at the Cabin starts off promising and with all of the attributes that could have made for a good horror film in the vein of something involving isolated characters in a rustic setting. But instead turned into a heavy handed movie with characters whispering silly dialogue to each other. Not much happens and the audience will probably barely be invested enough to care. The one silver lining to Knock at the Cabin is a very good performance from wrestler turned actor Dave Bautista. He has been showing up and doing a great job in movies for almost a decade now and he shows his dramatic chops here with possibly his most nuanced performance. I just wish the movie was more worthy of the talent he displayed.

5. Renfield

Renfield is a quintessential movie that started off with a great idea but did not have enough material to sustain its feature length runtime. Honestly, the first fifteen minutes or so I was laughing a lot and really thought I was in for something clever. Then the laughs stopped and they never came back. I recall critics complaining about movies based on Saturday Night Live characters that crossed over to features that were funny in a short sketch but not for a whole movie. That is exactly what this felt like. Renfield would have worked great as a short film, or maybe as a TV series and each week these characters have to team up and fight a new villain or solve a new problem. However as they were presented in this movie Renfield did not work. Talented actors were wasted and a great premise that started off strong could not maintain enough laughs or even substance to warrant a recommendation or even a reason to exist.

Worst Movies of 2023

1. Cocaine Bear
2. 65
3. The Flash
4. Knock at the Cabin
5. Renfield